My brother David... RIP

I don't know what my deal is this afternoon. Well, I think I know. I found an old CD of mine in the car with music I burned back after my brother died. When something as insane as my brother dying so tragically happens, I often feel my emotions through music. There's a few songs that I could feel. It's hard to explain. Anyways, on the way home this afternoon I listened to it. It brought back alot of emotions I felt after he died.

Those who know me real well know that he was a few weeks shy of his 24th birthday. He had a beautiful daughter who was 5 years old at the time. From what I understand his long time girlfriend, and the mother of their child, cheated on him that night. He was a paramedic and that night he broke into one of the ambulances and stole an IV kit and vials of Norcuron and Etomidate. Those are two drugs given when you need to paralyze someone and put them to sleep in an emergency when you need to intubate them. But you only have a few minutes to get a tube in them and give them oxygen. They're paralyzed and unable to breathe. He went home, put his daughter to bed, text'd his gf to come get their daughter (apparantly so she'd find him), started an IV and gave himself those drugs. He simply fell asleep, stopped breathing, and died within minutes. Problem was his gf was out doing her thing and didn't get the message. When his daughter woke up the next morning she tried waking her daddy up. When she couldn't she ran to the neighbor (they lived in a duplex). The neighbor came over, realized he was dead, took Lana back to her house and kept her occupied while the EMS arrived. Ironically the very same paramedics he worked with were the same ones who responded to the call. They had to work to bring back their friend and colleague who was beyond gone.

My dad was also a fireman/paramedic and heard over the radio about a suicide at such and such address. He knew that was David's address. Imagine how he must've felt. He rushed over there. My step mother was a nurse at the hospital he was taken to. In fact, I think she worked in the ER at the time. All these people knew my brother and, although they knew without a doubt he was gone (you're brain dead within a few minutes and this was a few hours later) they busted their ass to save him.

My mom was on the phone with David's gf's mother at the time. I think they called her before my mom for some reason. She clicked over to take the call and then clicked back over to my mom and said "Vicki, don't panic but David tried to commit suicide." My mom went hysterical. She actually called 911 because she felt she couldn't drive. Of course, there's nothing that they can do for her so she had to get in the car and drive into town. Ironically on the way she ran into my grandmother and cousin and honked her horn hysterically to get them to pull over. That's when she told them and they all drove to the hospital together.

Shit this is so hard to recall all this but I have to do it. If I don't just get it out it will stay with me and I'll dwell on it. Where's the vodka?

Anyways, they all got there and my mom ran into some of the paramedics. They were all so upset. They told my mom he was dead. She went in the room to see my brother and got hysterical. She totally lost it. So did my dad and step mother. Security actually had to come by because my mom knew his gf had something to do with it and she was threatening to kill his gf.

I was at work in Georgia when I received the call. I have the details in another blog posting. I just went numb all over but once I tried to walk I about passed out. I totally lost it. It took several supervisors and the head of HR to calm me down. They got me in touch with my family in Ohio and called my husband and told him to come get me. When I talked to my dad on the phone I was hoping he'd tell me that David only ATTEMPTED it but he told me David was gone. I think I said something along the lines of "Well tell them they need to go back in there and bring him back." I was so losing it.

When I got home I contacted my Pastor. He talked to me for awhile and told me to come in the next morning for prayer and communion. That night I made reservations for a larger vehicle to rent to take to Ohio. I think I drugged myself to sleep that night. When I woke up the next morning I went to the Church and received prayer and communion. You cannot believe how much that helped. Afterwards we drove up to Ohio. The whole way there I was so scared. I wanted to see my brother but I was scared to. I thought it would be way too hard to.

Needless to say I did it. I cried so hard for so long. He was in a sort of formal fireman's uniform. He looked amazing. It was too unreal. I don't know if he could hear me but I talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for anything in my life that was wrong. My mom and dad, who have been divorced for over 10 years at this point, kept fighting left and right so I was the go-between and had to be the adult of a bunch of children. It really killed me and stressed me out, but in a way it was good because I could focus on something other than just my brother. But boy was it exhausting. I didn't really get to start grieving until I got back to Georgia.
Anyways, I had a hard time at first. I drank alot on the weekends but I gave that up after one particularly rough night. I went out for a drive and had a "talk" with my brother. I was so upset. I went to the liquor store, bought something, went home and got drunk as hell. I felt miserable. I just started crying and Marty asked me what was wrong. I said "I did this so I wouldn't feel anymore pain. Now I'm drunk as hell, but I still hurt." That's when I decided that alcohol wasn't worth anything. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't like drunk on my ass all the time. Just when Marty was home on the weekends I *would* get drunk on my ass after the kids were in bed. It was just my own little drunk and alone world.

Now here I am 2 1/2 years later not doing too bad relatively. I refuse to step one foot in the state of Ohio. I don't want to go anywhere near where we grew up. I guess it's my own avoidance. Before and during all my tests I say a silent prayer and I ask my brother to see me through the tests. I think about him every day. I just really hope he is at rest. That's all I ask for.

Ok, one shot of tequila and I'm ready to lay down and watch Gremlins 2. I feel better now. Thanks everyone for listening :-)