New pictures found of my brother

When my brother was alive he had a computer and, of course, he had photos on it. His girlfriend at the time (& mother to his daughter) received the computer for his daughter when she got older.

Yesterday my mom was able to get the computer for a little bit to get any pictures left on it. Today she was able to send them to me. Seeing those pictures was great, bittersweet even. Before I knew it I was emotional. Just a flood of emotions hit me. My brother seemed so "okay" and I still can't understand why it was time for him to leave us. I still can't help but feel like I should have been closer, I should have been best friends with him. I should have been supportive more. I should have told him I loved him more. I should have contributed to a happy life for him. In the grand scheme of things, I don't believe that our childhood of sibling fights and arguments contributed to his sadness. There were bigger issues on him. But still, if he had someone to "get him away" from everything that was stressing him, maybe he'd still be alive. I know about a year before he died, I sent him a job opening for one of the fire departments here (for a paramedic position) but my mom said he didn't qualify for something (probably a GA license).

Before he died he took a trip to Savannah. I know from being there, and at Tybee Island, that it's so pretty there. He was considering going for a job there, but decided against it. But from what I heard, he was on cloud nine there. Today I have more pictures of his trip. I can see the life in his eyes. He did seem happy there.

Well now here are some pictures and videos of him in the year or two before he died.





This is SO David. Being silly.





David in the blue shirt taking care of a patient in the ambulance.





David in his fire gear.





This is such a stunning picture. My brother is looking at the camera with the sun behind him, but I can't help but imagine him moving on to Heaven and turning around one last time to say "Goodbye".





LOL At first when I looked at this picture I thought he caught a small fish and was holding it. Figures. It's a shark.





Dave vs The Alligator :-)





Here is David with Natalie in Savannah. I still remember talking to her the night after David died. I know it was a shock to her. Like the rest of us, she didn't see it coming.





He loved Natalie so much and it looks like they were having so much fun in Savannah. This picture was taken June 24, 2004 almost 10 months before he died.





I wanted to add this picture of Illana running towards the ocean. I just can't imagine her innocense and happiness at that moment. She still remembers her Daddy and I hope she always knows that her Daddy will forever watch over her.





Here is my sweet neice again. Such an angel.





This is a video of my brother performing CPR chest compressions on a patient. I can't imagine how tired he is!





Here is another one that is brief but you can still see him doing chest compressions.

A candid look at my emotions on this day

Ok, I'm determined NOT to get depressed today. It's my brothers birthday. I can't believe he'd be 27 this year. Damnit I should be calling him up today teasing him about being an old dude. I know I can never understand the pain he felt that led him to take such drastic measures to deal with things.

I'll admit, there were a few times YEARS ago when I wanted to take my own life. My life hit an absolute rock bottom. I felt the world would be better off without me. I was in such an abusive relationship and felt I had nowhere to go. Noone to run to. I couldn't see into the future. I wanted to go away, I thought I wanted to die, but I realize that I just wanted the situation to change.

Now I count my blessings literally every day. I thank God every single day for the husband I have, for the beautiful children I have, I could do without diabetes but for the most part I'm healthy. We're comfortable financially, we have a nice place to live, we have two vehicles that are paid off, clean clothes on our back, plenty of food... all that. I'm blessed. I'm happy.

But back then I didn't see all this in my future. I felt trapped. Was this how David felt the night he chose to take his own life? He had a beautiful little girl. Damnit how could he leave her?!?!?!?!!!! Or did he feel so worthless that he felt she'd grow up happier without him, like I once felt about my own child? What if someone saw him that night and diverted his attention away from his plans and he lived to see another day? Would he be looking back right this minute remembering the night he almost took his life? Would HE be the one counting his blessings and thanking God that he's alive?

When my brother looked at his life why couldn't he have thought that he at least had a sister that loved him so much? Why? Cause I screwed that up. I should have been closer to him. I should have talked to him more. All the love I express for him now doesn't really matter does it? Can he see the tears that are running down my face and the pain I feel inside of me? Can he know that I'm so damn sorry?

I can't even step foot in the state of Ohio. I don't want to see every place that I once saw my brother. If I'm here in Georgia, nothing is missing. Nothing is out of place. The last time I was in Ohio I said goodbye to my brother at his funeral. I don't want to go back.

I've got all this off my chest now. I've let it go. I hope for the rest of the day I can be more at ease. So many people tell me he's at rest. He's happy now. That's all I want. I want it to be true. I wish I knew for sure. I will never, ever forget the night when I was in Ohio for my brother's funeral. The night that I felt a gentle tug at my hair and an intense flood of emotions. Only three words "It's ok, Sis". I believe in the possibility of the "dead" contacting the living. I've just never experienced it before that night. I spent years second guessing myself. Did he make contact with me? It sounds crazy! But I don't care anymore! I KNOW without a doubt he did. He wanted me to know he was at rest. "It's ok, Sis"

I'll end this blog by reposting an older blog:

When David was in high school he started hanging with "the wrong crowd" and found himself in a gang and on drugs. He started dating this girl during this time. Him and her ended up having a very precious girl, Illana. That's what it took to turn his life around. He cleaned himself up and got his GED and went on to college to be a firefighter/paramedic just like our dad. For someone so young to go out and become a paramedic is quite a feat!

(From the webpage):

One thing I always remembered about him is that he was a "Little Mike" (Mike is our dad's name). My dad is a firefighter/paramedic and my brother just always seemed to want to follow in his footsteps. Literally. Even the way they walked was the same. His dream came true the day he got his paramedic's license.

I don't know why David is gone. I take comfort in believing his is with God. The stress of everyday life and the stress of his line of work, helping others, gone now being held in the comforting arms of God. I simply believe that he was sent here with a purpose. He was to help so many people. And he did. He touched many lives. But it doesn't answer all of my questions. There's still a huge "Why?"

The Most Touching Funeral

If my brother ever felt like noone cared about him, he had the truth slap him in the face at his funeral. There were two visitations the day before his funeral. The second one lasted longer than we expected. The line wrapped around the room and out the door and continued through the hallway. There must have been 200 people there that night alone. The day of his funeral the room was packed. People even stood in the hallways packed in. My brother touched so many people.

Leading the procession were firetrucks and ambulances from departments all over the county. There was a line of cars that continued for miles, I'm sure. The city was shut down for quite awhile. Natalie said that he always enjoyed making people mad. My dad said "This is for all of you people that wouldn't pull over for him when he came through with lights and sirens." That's the funniest statement I heard during such a difficult time. It still makes me laugh.

My brother had a beautiful spot, within sight of my grandmother and grandfathers site. He had a beautiful view from the top of a small hill.

Three doves were released that day as Life Flight, a medical helicopter that my brother always dreamed of flying with, flew over. Quite honestly, we were just worried that the doves and the helicopter wouldn't mix right without a mess. But even if they did run into each other, my brother would have wanted it that way. :-)

Life Flight stopped over where my brother was, bowed down to him, turned around and sped upwards to the sky. I heard it it symbolized carrying him off to heaven. Everyone there knows the story of the first dove. After it was released, it flew over to one of the ambulances like it was about to land on it. But instead, it flew to a tree overlooking everybody. It stayed there the entire time and watched, while the other doves flew away. Everyone said it must be David watching us. So we decided to put it to the test. Since I was his mean big sister, it was me who had to walk over to the tree, stand under the bird, and wait for it to poop on me. Then we'd know it was David. I actually hoped it would have. But he was constipated because he didn't poop on my head. Either that, or my brother wanted to be nice.

The Story of Life Flight

The way I understand it, while my brother was in paramedic class, he always made first in the class. Until the very end. There was a girl in the class who was struggling. David tutored her to help her pass. She ended up making first in the class in the very end by just a hair. My brother made second. Whoever was able to make first in class would have the opportunity to fly with Life Flight. My brother was so upset that he didn't make it. But in the end, it was Life Flight that bowed to him and carried him off to Heaven.
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